


We Can Call it Even

by scarletbloo



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Family, Friendship/Love, Inspired by Taylor Swift, Literati, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29142420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletbloo/pseuds/scarletbloo
Summary: “I need you to come home for Christmas.” April said matter of factly down the line.Jess Mariano can't get himself to ask for help when he needs it, Rory Gilmore is beginning to realise journalism isn't all she expected. Begins a year after the last episode of season 7, not AYITL compliant.
Relationships: Jess Mariano & April Nardini, Lorelai Gilmore & Jess Mariano, Luke Danes & Jess Mariano, Luke Danes/Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore/Jess Mariano
Comments: 8
Kudos: 40





	1. New Years Cleaning

"Now what the fuck happened in here?"

Jess groaned, letting himself take in his surroundings. His clothes were haphazardly strewn on the floor, his mattress absent from the bed. Propping it up against the bathroom door had seemed like a clever idea at the time, but he realised now it exposed just how run down the thing actually was. In hindsight, the whole idea was pretty insane but he’d gotten himself into full-on search mode. Talk about one track mind, he thought to himself, though even he knew that wasn’t the case for him usually. Even at the best of times, his brain was always busy, incredibly so. Rory used to compare his racing thoughts to New York traffic, he reminisced, smiling fondly at the memory. He knew she was right - Rory usually was. His head was full of flashing lights, blaring sirens and argument snippets; Jess was hardly ever in silence when he was alone. 

He rose quickly as a book hit him on the back of the head, releasing him from his thoughts. He turned around, glaring reflexively at the perpetrator. Matthew bit his tongue to control his laughter, raising his hands in surrender. Jess looked at him sourly, jaw twinging in anticipation for his next words.

“God, Jess, if I hadn’t been in the room next door I’d have thought there’d been a break in.”

“It’s just a bit of spring cleaning, not that that’s a concept you’re aware of. I’ve walked into your room from time to time when it’s been a tip too, remember.”

“But not like this, Jess. And anyways, it’s December. What’s going on?” Matt’s voice was calm, ignoring the other man's snark. Jess could’ve sworn it sounded as if he was concerned. But then again, the current state of his room could’ve rivaled the Gilmore kitchen at its messiest.

“New Years cleaning then. I told you, Matt. I’m just moving some things around.”

Jess couldn’t bear to admit that he’d been raking through his possessions for spare change. He couldn’t take the embarrassment of sharing his misfortune with his colleague. Besides, he knew Matt would try to help - even if he didn't actually want to. Jess didn’t want to use up any funds dedicated to Truncheon, let alone the man’s personal savings. He wasn’t even sure they were friends. Sure, they worked together, lived together, had the occasional banter, but that’s where the line was drawn. Their conversations only ran Truncheon deep and for the most part Jess was content with that. It left him time alone with his thoughts.

A part of him wanted to ask for help, but vulnerability was never Jess Mariano’s strong suit. Half his mind was screaming at him to explain his situation to his flatmate; the other half was insisting him to shrug it off. Matt seemed to remain in the doorway, looking at him expectantly for another justification. Jess shut his eyes, bringing his hand through his bed-head, in an attempt to will Matt away. And then, as if by the very force of his mind, Jess’s phone began to ring.

“Hey, April“. His cousin was always perfectly on time, even when she didn’t realise it.

“Jess, finally. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for weeks.“ The teenager huffed down the line. Jess could feel his face redden. He’d been very distant from the little family he had, and intentionally so. The less he talked to them, the less likely they were to find out about his financial situation. He knew they’d try to help, and that was the opposite of what he wanted. April was still only a kid, Liz could barely keep herself in check and Luke, well, Luke was a fixer. If the diner owner ever caught wind that his nephew was in this much trouble, he would uproot his entire life to help him. Jess couldn’t do that to his uncle, not when things were finally going well with Lorelai.

“Oh, you have? Didn’t notice,” Jess winced at the white lie, though he wouldn’t admit it, he hated feeling like he’d deceived the girl. “So what’s up?”

“I need you to come home for Christmas.” April said matter of factly down the line

“You know that’s not really my thing, kid.” Jess sighed. Deep down, he did miss Luke and his cousin quite a bit. And, as pissed off as he was at his mother, he knew he’d regret it one day if he missed all of Doula’s childhood. She was his little sister after all.

“But I’m with my mom this year, and you know Lorelai and Rory with their traditions, dad’ll be banished from the Gilmore house half the time. And he misses you, Jess, everyone does. And personally I think it’s pretty rude of you to just mope around the entire holiday season acting like no one cares about you. ” April blurted out in one breath. Jess leaned against the wall, silently taking in his cousin’s words. His mind kept wandering to her mention of Rory. He hadn’t seen his ex since his book signing three years prior. Their meeting hadn’t ended well. If he was completely honest it had hurt him quite a bit, but it wasn’t like he was explicitly avoiding her. Life had just gotten in the way. Besides, the last time he’d heard about her she was following the Obama campaign, so things were surely going well for her. He bit his cheeks, trying his best to keep focused on the conversation.

“And,” April continued, when it became evident Jess wasn’t going to reply, “I’m not a kid anymore, Jess, I’m in high school now. ”

Jess could feel her eyes roll through the phone. _High School, already?_ Jess thought to himself, _Fuck, that went fast._

“I’ll think about it.” he replied reluctantly, before quickly saying his goodbyes and hanging up. The mention of home, if Jess was even allowed to think of Stars Hollow as his home, felt rather appealing to him right then. He was starving, and neither he or Matt had the savings to fix the boiler, or the obtrusive gaps in the window panes for that matter. He thought back to being seventeen, guilt overtaking his body as he realised how little he’d appreciated Luke’s home cooked meals. His mind wandered to the long, hazy days he'd spent reading with Rory by the lake, peppering her neck with kisses when it became too dark to distinguish the words on the page. His stomach ached with emptiness, shoving him back into reality as he dialled the number he’d become familiar with while working there.

“Luke’s Diner?”

“Hey, Uncle Luke,” Jess mumbled nervously, unsure how true April’s ploys to get him back to the town he’d hated so much had been, “What are your plans for the holidays?


	2. Acquaintances?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess returns to Stars Hollow.

The drive into Stars Hollow was surreal at best - Jess couldn’t help feeling like he was doing something he shouldn’t. Who was he to crash into the picturesque small town Christmas the townspeople loved so much? Save for Luke, his mother on a good day and maybe Andew from the bookstore, the residents of the town were not big Mariano fans. It didn’t even matter how much he’d matured since he’d lived here. They still hadn’t forgotten the 17 year old who had stepped off that bus and wrecked their perfect little corner of the world. He didn’t even want to wonder where he stood with Rory, the town’s princess, who he’d given up his heart to all that time ago. Stars Hollow wasn’t his, Jess reminded himself sternly. But if that really was the case, why, as he passed through Hartford, did it feel as if he was going home? There was a comfort that the town possessed that neither Philadelphia, L.A or even his once-beloved New York could give him.

He steered into Stars Hollow, smiling to himself as he remembered just how tiny it actually was. Once he’d arrived outside the diner, he waited for Luke to kick out his last customer. It was Kirk - who appeared to be nursing a hamster, but Jess had long learned not to ask. Jess gnawed on his cheeks, blinking patiently at the scene. His stomach growled, he had spent the last of his savings on the gas to get there. He decided to begin forming an explanation for his hunger in his head - prepping himself for Luke's inevitable questioning. He lost himself in his thoughts, and jumped when he heard his uncle knock on the window. 

“You gonna come in or what?” Luke asked, hand on his hip, “It's easier if you do it now so we only have to lock up once.” He rattled his keys, as if to indicate that he needed to hurry up. Jess nodded, opening the car door and stepping out. Luke looked the young man up and down, as if inspecting him.

“What are you gonna do next?” Jess huffed abrasively, “Pat me down and handcuff me?”

Luke sighed, “No it’s just, hell, Jess, you look like shit.”

“Well, you’re no Mr Darcy yourself, Uncle Luke.” Jess paused to soften his tone before continuing. He really had missed his uncle and was grateful for the place to stay - god knows he needed it, “I just didn’t have time to stop and eat on the way here, that’s all.”

Luke tilted his head to the side, eyeing Jess dubiously before squeezing his shoulder.

“Glad to have you back, Nephew.” Luke avoided mentioning how thin the man was, he didn’t want an argument this soon into the kid's stay, “I’ll cook us up some dinner.”

“My, my, aren’t _you_ a delightful surprise.” The perky brunette woman quipped as Jess tiredly made his way downstairs to work the morning rush. It became clear to him that Luke hadn’t exactly mentioned all the details of his nephew's stay to his girlfriend. Jess rubbed his eyes groggily, he really wasn’t in the mood to listen to Lorelai Gilmore’s list of his wrongdoings over the years. There was now also the added likelihood of Luke kicking the younger man out if he responded rudely. He wasn’t a kid anymore, the diner owner had no responsibility to keep a roof over his head.

“Yeah, well.” Jess muttered, keeping his mind, and eyes, on the coffee pot. Lorelai was the spitting image of her daughter, and, while he’d like to say he was over Rory, he still wasn’t willing to add salt to the wounds just yet. 

“Earth to Jess, Hello?” she sounded frustrated. 

He sighed, “Look Lorelai, whatever you want to tell me off for, I’m just gonna say I deserve it, but please just get it over with and tell me.” 

“But it’s just so difficult to isolate what I hate about you the most because there is just so much to hate,” she half-sang, smiling until she properly looked Jess in the eyes. The kid looked rough, a lot thinner than he’d been the last time he was in town. Granted, it _had_ been years, but she was beginning to experience an itching maternal feeling that Philly wasn’t treating him as well as Liz had assured on Thanksgiving. She tried her best to hide her pity, she knew Jess enough to know he wouldn’t take it well. Instead she changed her tone, and tried her very best to ignore her still very present bitter feelings towards the boy.

“Look hon, you were younger then. Luke swears you’ve matured, and I like to think my boyfriend is a good judge of character, most of the time." Lorelai smiled at Jess, “So what do you say, huh? Acquaintances?” 

Jess looked at her quizzically, waiting for the punchline. When it became clear that the woman was genuine, he gave her a nod. “Yeah, acquaintances.”

After closing, Luke watched his nephew clean the counter, thinking back to Jess’s teenage years and the complete attitude shift he’d just witnessed. Lane’s kids had the chickenpox, but the boy eagerly picked up her shifts, much to Luke’s confusion. He knew he’d have to have a more serious talk with Jess at some point, he’d promised Lorelai that he would, but for the time being, he was content with the friendly quiet they’d adapted. It wasn’t until later that night, when he was getting ready for bed, that he pushed himself to address the issue on mind.

“We need to talk about Rory.”

Jess froze. Surely he was mishearing things, he turned around slowly, “What about her?”

“Oh come on, Jess,” Luke began, “I saw your face every time a brunette entered the diner today. I don’t know how you’re not over that yet, but you’re obviously not - anyone can see that.”

Jess felt a pang in his chest, he felt like he was being interrogated. This was the part of his time in Stars Hollow that he definitely _hadn’t_ missed. “Don’t worry, we’re on the same page, I’ll keep my distance from her, s'not like I was intending on proposing or anything.” 

Luke smiled sympathetically, “I just think it’s what's best, look how well you two are doing now, with your careers and everything.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Jess could physically feel his shame, Luke’s obvious pride for his career made his insides ache. Business was far from booming and Truncheon was most definitely hanging by its last threads. He tried to shrug off the sentimentalities; right now he had three priorities. 1. avoid his first love, 2. keep himself from disappointing his uncle, and 3. make just enough money to sustain him until it was warm enough to justify sleeping in his car again. In that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying this so far! I promise Rory will finally make an appearance next chapter, I just didn't want to rush things too much. And, as always, feedback and constructive criticism is always greatly appreciated <33


	3. For Nostalgia's Sake

“Oh, it can’t be,” Lorelai exclaimed, melodramatically, “My very own spawn, in the flesh.” The woman let out a theatrical gasp, running in her daughter's direction. She grinned as Rory returned her embrace.

“Mom,” she squealed, as the older woman almost pulled her to the ground. “Lane has kept me up to date on Taylor’s video camera addition, do you _really_ want yet another embarrassing fall presented at the next town meeting?”

“Think Taylor’s a little preoccupied today what with-” Lorelai began, before opting to tread carefully with the Jess situation. Even she wasn’t sure where the two stood and decided it would be wiser to tell her at home. That way, she’d be able to decipher her daughter’s real reaction, “I’m just so glad to see you.”

“I’m glad to see _you_ , I’m never leaving again!” Rory laughed. Coming home, especially for the holidays, always left her with a bout of nostalgia. “Why don’t we go to Luke’s and I’ll catch you up on everything?”

“Hey, kid, about that, I need to talk to you first,” The words brought Rory to a halt. Knowing her mother, this could either be something completely insignificant to anyone other than her, or life-changing. She braced herself, hoping for the former.

“Oh?”

“Jess is back.”

“ _Oh_.” Rory bit her tongue. _Jess? Back?_ The last time he’d returned to Stars Hollow, as far as Rory knew, was to reclaim his car from Luke. She was pretty sure Luke hadn’t involved himself in any vehicle theft since then, so even the prospect of Jess in Stars Hollow was entirely strange. Lorelai watched her daughter carefully, trying to find a way into her thoughts. Rory had told her countless times that she was over Jess, and she’d had no reason to think otherwise. Until now, when the young woman looked as if she was lost in a trance.

Rory didn’t think her sudden overwhelming emotions were any indication that she was still in love with the boy. Quite the opposite, in fact. This was nothing but wistful nostalgia. She was worn out. The year following the campaign had been harder than she’d ever dreamed. While she’d enjoyed the experience, it had made her somewhat jealous of the passion she’d possessed at the age of 17. She missed the person she was when she was _with_ Jess, not Jess himself. Yes, that was it, she determined.

“Hello? Pazuzu? That you in there?” Lorelai waved her hands in front of Rory’s face. She knew her daughter was having a moment, and she really didn’t want to intrude on that, but she’d had a particularly difficult day at the inn and coffee called, “We can always go to Weston’s?”

At that, Rory nodded, linking arms with her mother as they made their way towards the second best coffee in town.

“So,” Lane was perched by the till of Luke’s diner, tapping her nails on the counter, “The angry best friend side of me feels like she should be kicking you, but the mom of two irritable sick kids side is expressing all her gratitude.”

“Really, it was nothing,” Jess shrugged, “Who am I to turn down a couple extra bucks huh?”

“Well Rory and Luke say you’re working up in Philadelphia now, I didn’t want to impose on your time off.”

“Haven’t you heard? Print is dead,” The man laughed, although it came out ingenuine, and flatter than intended. He averted his eyes from Lane’s gaze. The truth was, print _was_ dying out. Everyone knew it. The novelty of a small independent publishing house like Truncheon was wearing off. Jess had become painfully aware of this in the last month. Had that not been the main motivator for his sudden return? _That and Rory_ , his subconscious teased him. Working in the diner without a book stowed away in his back pocket had given him more time to ponder the past. His mind had begun to replay the events of his last visits over and over. He needed to get out of the diner. One of the things he liked best about his life in Philadelphia was the ability to be alone whenever he wanted. Of course, he was sometimes quite lonely, but he was used to the silence and Stars Hollow was, ironically, overstimulating compared to the city. In cities, people only had time for their own shit, here, your entire personal life was town knowledge. He was desperate for a break from the diner’s noise and nosy customers.

“Lane, I gotta go.” He almost ripped his apron off as he walked hurriedly towards the door. 

“Great, give me more work to do,” Lane grumbled, mostly to herself, “It’s not like me and Caesar are carrying the diner on our shoulders these days."

“Lane, I couldn’t help but overhear your dilemma, and I would like to offer my services.” Kirk looked over at the woman from his seat. Lane let out a sigh, pursing her lips tightly as she failed to dissuade Kirk from putting on Jess’s discarded apron.

“Shit, Mariano, always bolting off,” she shook her head.

Jess didn’t plan to go anywhere in particular. It wasn’t until he was right outside that he decided to enter the bookstore. The shop was an instant comfort. As much as he’d used to tease Rory and her book smelling addiction, now, 5 years later, the scent was a reminder of Truncheon’s early days. He savored it - letting it take him back to the beginnings of the little business he and the two other men had built from the ground up. It was almost amusing to him - how he was already so far into the mourning process of something that wasn’t officially gone yet. 

Jess Mariano had always been one for these preemptive measures. Nothing in his life had ever stuck for very long. Not his father (either time), not his mother, not New York or Stars Hollow, not even Luke and Rory. Jess had prepared himself for the now-inevitable closure of the publishing house long before they’d even printed their first book. As with every other aspect of his life, he had treated it as something temporary. Even so, he was upset the end had come so far along in its journey. He’d lived in Philadelphia for 3 years - the longest he’d stayed anywhere since he was 16 - and he had just started to wonder if he’d one day be able to call it home. _So much for that_ , he thought, running his fingers aimlessly along book spines as he browsed the well-worn shelves of Stars Hollow Books. He contemplated slipping a copy of _The Subsect_ onto a shelf, and made a mental note to do so before he left Stars Hollow. He smiled, anticipating the field day Taylor would have with that. Luke had already revealed that the town selectman had initiated a heated discussion around banning his book at the last town meeting. 

His hand stopped at _The Fountainhead_. He smiled, remembering the last time he’d read that god-awful book. He pondered the things he did for that girl when he was 16, the things he’d probably still do for her now - not in current circumstances of course. Maybe in an alternate universe, one in which Jess had a home and lacked his running out tendencies, they could’ve worked out. He didn’t doubt his love for the girl, not even now. 

Jess settled down in the far corner of the shop, reluctantly perusing through the book that had given him so much grief all those years ago. For nostalgia’s sake, he told himself. After skimming a couple chapters, he finally managed to half-lose himself in the book and it was almost as if he could hear Rory’s voice. For whatever reason, it hadn’t occurred to him that she could actually be there. He knew she’d be showing up any day now, but had assumed the book shop wouldn’t be such an early stop on her trip. What had he been thinking? Of course Rory Gilmore would drop in the first moment she got alone. Sure enough, there she was, reaching for the heaviest book Jess had ever seen. She looked different, shinier almost, but it was most definitely her. Jess averted his eyes, bracing himself for what was to come. He couldn’t bolt now. That definitely wouldn’t help his attempts to edge even slightly closer to the town’s collective good side. He sighed deeply, and looked up at her once more.

“Jess Mariano back in the hollow, who’d have thought it?


	4. Rory and Jess: the Revival

“Jess Mariano back in the hollow, who’d have thought it?” Rory avoided eye contact. It wasn’t intentional, something inside of her just wouldn’t let it happen. Jess was observant - looking into his eyes felt as if he was looking into your soul, rummaging through your deepest thoughts. Rory couldn’t help but think about how he’d only become more attractive in the two years since they’d last seen each other. That was something she _definitely_ didn’t want Jess to catch on to. She’d been unfair to him back at Truncheon and had zero intentions to lead him on again now. Except, if she really was attracted to him, she wouldn’t be technically leading him on would she? Rory mentally snapped at herself for that last thought. There was no way she still liked him, merely playing with thoughts like that was irresponsible.

Contrary to the girl standing awkwardly before him, Jess was unable to avert his eyes. He awkwardly dog-eared his page in _The Fountainhead,_ searching for any sign that his ex actually wanted a response to her remark. Her lack of eye contact indicated nothing to him, and though he was predominantly certain she only spoke to him in the first place out of manners, he decided to speak up.

“Not me, that's for sure,” Jess gave a small smile, not taking his eyes off her. He had always known he’d see Rory again, and was aware of how awkward a situation it would be, but the real encounter had already surpassed his assumptions. The young woman seemed flustered. She laughed uneasily before muttering a quick “So, see you around?”

“Uh, yeah” Jess replied, “See you.” He returned to his book, cursing himself for being all sentimental for old times and picking up such a slow read. All these years later, Ayn Rand was still completely useless for escapism during uncomfortable situations.

“Ugh.” Rory entered the crap shack in a hurry, only coming to a halt once she reached her bed. She flopped down on it face first, suppressing her groans of frustration with her pillow. She was beyond embarrassed, her interaction with Jess stuck on replay in her mind. She’d just frozen. This was _Jess,_ for god’s sake. This was the guy she’d known since she was 17, and she just _had_ to still feel all flustered every time she bumped into him. She’d overheard the occasional conversation between Luke and Liz - Jess was doing big things for himself these days, he’d moved on. Why couldn’t she do the same? 

“Rory? Is that you, hun?” Lorelai stepped into the house, walking towards her daughter’s room, “I sure _hope_ it's you, because I distinctly remember locking the door when I left this morning, and I'm doubtful Stars Hollow's crime rate could've shot up in my absence…”

 _Shit,_ Rory pressed her face deeper into the pillow, willing it to swallow her alive. She’d forgotten to close the front door on her way in. 

“Rory, sweets, what’s wrong?” She rolled over to find her mother at the end of her bed, concern in her eyes. Rory mumbled something incomprehensible, but Lorelai already had an idea what, or rather who, had gone on. 

“What, Ror?”

“I saw Jess,” Rory raised her voice to just over a whisper, her words felt icy. 

“What did he do? I thought he’d matured, _of course_ he hasn’t, what was I -” Lorelai’s brow furrowed. This was just what she’d expected. She was about to begin a rant about what bad news he was, and how she didn’t know why Luke put up with such a deviant when her daughter cut her off.

“No, mom, stop,” Rory groaned, “This one was all on me, it’s just - nevermind”

“Nu-uh kid, i’m afraid you’re far too late,” Lorelai protested, hugging a pillow, “I am already thoroughly invested in this first episode of Rory and Jess: The Revival.”

Rory glared quizzically at her mother’s last comment, but nodded slowly and began to recount the events, from the moment she and her mother had parted ways to right where they were now, at Lorelai’s request. 

When she was finished, Lorelai burst out laughing, “Really, kid? That’s all that happened? _Please,_ he’s done things 10 times worse to you in the past.” Rory just shrugged, tracing the pattern of her comforter with her finger. The older woman waited (as patiently as Lorelai Gilmore possibly could) until it was clear Rory had nothing else to say, then spoke up again.

“All I’m really getting from this, is that you and Jess have a lot of unfinished business that you probably should talk through if you want proper closure.

Rory seemed to hum in consideration, “You really think so, Mom?”

“Yeah, I really do,” Lorelai smiled sympathetically, “Not sure how you’re gonna achieve it though, the boy’s practically an emotionless rock.”

The young woman rolled her eyes, “I missed you, mom.”

Jess entered the diner silently, hoping Luke wouldn’t notice as he passed. He really wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. His uncle was arguing with Kirk, who had waited until after he’d been served to announce he wanted his bread cut into triangles, not stars. Luke was seething; he was reminding Jess a bit of an angry cartoon character. He looked over to his nephew and held up one finger, asking him to wait. Jess chose to ignore this, heading up to his old room, with full intentions of wallowing in his thoughts.

“You know what,” Luke clenched his jaw, grabbing a knife and cutting off each individual point of the star sandwiches, “ _There’s_ your triangles.”

Kirk opened his mouth ready to protest, but decided against it, seeing as the angry man in front of him _was_ holding a knife. Luke turned to where Jess had been, noting his absence. He sighed, making his way upstairs. On his arrival to the tiny apartment, Jess greeted him with a tiny nod, before returning to his book.

“How’s your day been?” Luke questioned, trying to get to the bottom of his nephews sudden attitude without any conflict. He knew Jess well enough to judge when to tread gently with the boy. 

“Just fucking dandy.” Jess rubbed his temples tiredly,

“I can see something’s up, son, and I really don’t want a repeat of the teenage angst I had to deal with last time you were here.”

Jess let out a sigh, knowing he’d keep questioning him if he didn’t speak up now. Or worse, hear another account of events through Lorelai the next day - he was still skeptical of her opinion of him, even after their alleged truce.

“Bumped into Rory,” Jess mumbled into his book. 

“ _Jess_.”

“Hey, she initiated it, not me,” he said icily. Of course his uncle would blame him before hearing the rest of the story, “I wasn’t intending on even looking up.”

That second part was a lie. Jess had been desperate to see the girl since before he’d arrived in Connecticut. He’d just wanted to make sure she was doing well. In his mind, the girl deserved the world, and even if the two of them weren’t speaking, he wanted to make damn sure she had it. 

“Hey, Jess,” Luke’s voice was gentle, “I believe you, you don’t have to explain yourself.”

“Huh.” Jess smiled in gratitude, “Thanks, Uncle Luke, for everything, you know.”

“I’m always here, Jess, you know this,” his uncle replied, “Besides, for all we know this really could be the pilot of Jess and Rory: the Revival.”

Before Jess could, vulgarly, ask, Luke threw up his hands in surrender, “Hey, Lorelai coined the term, I’m just putting it to good use.”

“Your girlfriend’s insane, you know that?” Jess chucked a pillow at his uncle’s head. 

Shortly after the exchange with his uncle, Jess drifted off, only awakening to the sound of the landline. He rolled over as he watched Luke pick it up, responding to the caller with a series of oks, uhms and I understands. He then walked over to Jess, handing him the phone. “It’s Rory,” he mouthed.

Jess looked at his uncle quizzically before hesitantly putting the phone to his ear, “Hey.”

“Hey Jess,” Rory sounded stressed,”Look, I’m really sorry about this afternoon, I’d just gotten home and I was completely out of it, I _promise_ I wasn’t meaning to be so rude.”

Jess was taken aback, desperately searching for a response, “Huh.”

 _Jess and his “huhs”,_ Rory thought affectionately. Maybe he hadn’t changed as much as she’d assumed.

“I guess, I was just wondering if we could redo our little encounter, maybe in better circumstances?” Rory’s heart was beating so fast she thought she’d go into cardiac arrest. She hadn’t been so nervous about something non-career related since she was a teenager. Only Jess Mariano could get her feeling 17 again, and she was uncertain why the thought pleased her so much.

“Uhm, sure. Diner, ‘round noon?” Jess replied. He was still disoriented from his sleep and entirely unsure of what was going on with Rory - the sooner he ended the conversation the better. And knowing Rory, there was no way to get out of it other than making plans. 

“Great! It’s a date, Dodger.”

  
 _Fuck._ _Date? Dodger? Was she out of her mind?_ Rory bit down on her cheeks, wondering whether she’d gone completely insane. This wasn’t how she was meant to be feeling at 24 years old. She was meant to be focusing on her career. Sure, she wouldn’t be opposed if she found the right guy and wanted to start a relationship, but Jess was just a guy. There was nothing specifically _right_ about him. In fact, come to think of it, she’d spent the last 4 and a half years persuading herself he was the wrong one.


	5. At Twenty-Four

_Rory Gilmore was seven the first time she went to Luke’s, her mother rushing her out to the opening of the town's newest business. By the time she was eight, it was established by the Lorelais as the best coffee in town. At eleven, Rory and her mother, sometimes accompanied by Lane, started and ended each day there. At fourteen, she was just as coffee dependent as Lorelai, much to Luke’s dismay. At sixteen, Luke’s was the home of the boy she loved, eighteen, she avoided it at all costs. At twenty, it was her mother who steered clear of the diner. When she was twenty-two, it was home again. And at twenty-four… well._

Jess appeared in the doorway that led to Luke’s apartment. He was still skinny, like was as a kid, maybe even more so, Rory noted. But there was something different there as well. He had an air of maturity to him, “You know, I’m liking the new hair, Gilmore, _very_ Christiane Amanpour.”

“Well, that was always the aim, wasn’t it?” Rory felt her cheeks heat up, undoubtedly turning a shade of pink as she fixed her bangs. She’d dug out Lorelai’s rollers earlier that morning - itching for change, so the Amanpour comment was actually quite reasonable. Not that the change had been anything to do with proving something to Jess, to hell with her mother’s speculations.

Jess smiled at the sentiment, Rory liked to think he got the reference, “Guess that’s right.” He racked his brain for anything that could possibly diffuse this initial awkwardness. They’d be fine, he was almost sure of it. They'd be able to pick up as they had the last time they were friends, the night he’d shown her _The Subsect_. He stopped for a moment, trying to silence his thoughts. His mind taunted him with images of that blonde dick from Yale, and the endless possibilities of that night if he hadn’t been in the picture.

Jess fought his mind to stay in the present. He had a tendency to run with his thoughts, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere, he knew that. He walked up to Rory’s table, speaking up again, “Aside from our little encounter earlier, what’s it been? Two years?”

“Pushing three, actually,” Rory’s laugh was strained, but behind all that Jess revelled in how undeniably _her_ it was, “But it’s not right, not really.”

She bit her tongue. Spilling her heart out to her ex boyfriend wasn’t part of the plan. She’d only suggested the meeting because she felt obligated to make up for embarrassment of the day before. Besides, she’d missed him. They’d been fairly compatible once upon a time after all. 

“You had me, then you lost me” He slid into the seat opposite her, resting his forearm on the table. 

“I have no stable career, I thought the campaign would have me set but I guess not.” She let out a long sigh, letting her hand drift closer to Jess’s, “I’m _this_ close to couch-surfing at Paris and Doyle’s again”

Jess ignored the way his hairs stood up as she edged her arm closer to his. He thought over Rory’s last words, finding himself in a state of ambivalence. He felt for her, he really did, but he couldn’t help but compare their situations. He, too, was having issues with his career, and he hadn’t once reached out. His bitterness stained the back of his throat as he tried to camouflage signs of it on his face. He reminded himself of the stark contrasts in their upbringings - while he’d been pulled down, she’d been propelled upwards. Her whole life, she’d only even been, what Jess could no better describe as, perfect. 

“Rory-” He opted to comfort her.

“My life is going downhill, Jess, and it hasn’t even begun,” Rory’s lip quivered and she took a deep breath to keep it in check. She had no idea where this sudden rant was coming from, realising how annoying she must sound,“I’m a _failure.”_

Jess crossed his arms tightly against his chest, _“_ You’re not a failure, Rory, god you just came back from such a big opportunity, and guess what? You’ll find your feet again.”

His words came out much harsher than expected and Rory definitely noticed this. She looked up at him, her pale blue eyes wide as if he’d slapped her. His face softened, feeling guilty for taking out his frustrations on her. It’s not like she knew what had been going on with him. 

“Look, I’m sorry, I’ve just not been all too successful either, that’s all.” Jess was careful to maintain a gentle tone whilst still asserting to the woman opposite that he wouldn’t open up further. Who was he to pile all his baggage onto his high school girlfriend?

Rory seemed to mull on his words, and, as she looked into his eyes, they both felt a sense of understanding. Jess let his gaze linger a little longer, before lifting his coffee mug.

“To failure?”

Rory’s smile was genuine now, as the two of them folded neatly back into their old ways, “To quarter life crises, I say.” 

“The way my life's going, this might be my midlife crisis,” Jess deadpanned, earning a wary look from his ex.

His heart melted, he felt as if he was seventeen again as he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze,“Hey, who are you? Piglet? I was kidding, no need to worry ‘bout me.”

“Piglet?” she narrowed her eyes

“Yeah, from _Winnie the Pooh_ , cause you won’t stop worrying.”

“Children's books, Mariano? If Kerouac could see you now,” Rory joked, exaggeratedly shaking her head.

“Hey, _Winnie the Pooh_ is a classic piece of literature and you know it, Gilmore.”

_Jess Mariano was nine the first time he entered Luke’s diner, after yet another one of Liz’s failed marriages. At eleven, he returned, mother in tow, to “borrow” some money from his uncle. When he was sixteen, the diner was his prison, by seventeen it was beginning to feel like his home. He was eighteen when he was told to leave, and the bubble he’d created burst. He was nineteen when he first returned, twenty when Luke told him there would always be a place for him. And at twenty four… well._


	6. What Happened in Vegas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess visits Doula, and Rory bumps into someone from her past.

Jess’s resentment towards his mother only arrived when he was seventeen. Before then, he’d been nothing but sympathetic. He wasn’t a bad kid in New York, not really. The apartment he and Liz had shared was a mess; they were constantly behind on bills and Liz never had the energy to clean up. Jess’s room doubled as the perfect hiding place for his mom’s stash, which contents would vary depending on her guy of the month. He knew from his friends when he was five, then from his books when he was seven, and then from mutters of child services when he was ten that his upbringing was far from conventional. It hadn’t mattered to him back then, though. She’d barely been an adult herself when Jess was born. She wasn’t prepared for the burdens of motherhood, the burdens of  _ him. _ Despite all of this, he thought they were in it together, him and Liz. Until she sent him away, that was.

The time he’d spent in Stars Hollow was a wake up call for Jess, and an overwhelming one at that. He was suddenly thrust into a town you could circuit in 20 minutes, surrounded by adults who cared more than was absolutely necessary. There was Luke, who tried so hard to parent him well, as misjudged as his decisions sometimes were, and Lorelai, a teen mother like Liz. Only, Rory was Lorelai’s world, and Liz had thrown Jess out of hers. Looking back, Jess wished he would’ve shown Luke how much he appreciated him, but a lot of the time his gratitude towards his uncle was clouded by all the feelings of neglect. His mom had ditched him and he was stuck there.

His feelings for Liz didn’t stop him from checking up on the kid though. On the contrary, he felt an obligation to go see her, make sure his mother wasn’t fucking up this one the same way. When Luke had last visited him in Philly, raving about how well Liz and TJ were doing with the baby, his body had stung with jealousy. Here she was, getting to start over with a brand new kid, one who will never understand why her brother can’t bring himself to visit often, who can’t refer to their mother as “mom”. These days, as far as he was concerned, Liz wasn’t his mom, she was Doula’s. But he was still Doula’s brother the way he was still Luke’s nephew.

Liz and TJ’s house was pretty much the damn Ritz compared to the New York apartment - at least on the outside. Jess was certain Taylor had never stepped foot inside because he would have evicted them in seconds, claiming the large, bright feather mobiles broke town policy. Looking at the carelessly placed crystals that laced the front lawn, Jess realised that for once he would be inclined to agree.  _ Damn accident waiting to happen.  _ He played with his zip, a coping mechanism he’d thought he’d left behind in 1997. He could see Liz and TJ through the window, decked in full renaissance gear, Liz looked up at him grinning as she went to unlock the door. 

“There’s my baby,” She ruffled his hair as Jess stayed frozen in place - this was the downside to the responsible big brother role.

“Where’s Doula?” He asked, finally making eye contact with Liz. The kid obviously heard, as she ran through the doorway, grabbing hold of his leg. He smiled, for the first time all day - the diner had been hectic and he and his uncle’s moods had adjusted accordingly. (Lorelai had made a - very ill-received - joke about their cycles syncing up since they’d started living together again.)

“Hey, Doules,” Jess scooped up his sister, who was  _ so  _ much heavier than last time he’d seen her. Granted, she was barely crawling then. It really had been a while. He felt somewhat guilty as he walked into the house, nodding at Liz and TJ’s hurried goodbyes. His eyes reflexively darted around the room, checking for any signs she was using again. He knew he didn’t have to, that Luke would ensure Liz was staying clean, but old habits die hard, he guessed.

********

Jess woke up, and tried to make sense of his surroundings. The (rather obnoxious, Jess thought) human-sized toy bear Liz had found was looming over him, as if it had been watching him sleep. He glared at it and checked his watch. It was only 5pm, he had hours before his mother and her husband were back. He groggily looked down at the tiny child on his chest. He yawned, gently carding his fingers through her hair. Maybe kids  _ would  _ be a part of his future. He’d never even considered it before, never thought he’d be any good at it, had no intention of repeating Liz and Jimmy’s mistakes. But now, he felt it would be something he’d like. 

Doula stirred, releasing him from his musings of his own kids. He hushed her, humming  _ Then She Appeared _ , albeit, extremely off-key. It seemed to work though, as the toddler relaxed again.

********

“Lorelai Gilmore?” 

Rory looked up, smiling at the woman at the desk. She rose quickly, hoping no one could tell that her shoes were too small for her. They were Lorelai’s - the ones she wore to all important occasions. Her mother had claimed they were lucky, and Rory hadn’t seen any harm in borrowing them; she could use all the luck she could get for this job interview. 

“Yeah, that’s me, Lor- well, Rory Gilmore,” Damn it, her nerves were getting the better of her again, “Lorelai’s my mother, and so am I, Lorelai I mean, I’m not my own mother.”

The receptionist looked up at her pityingly, “Right. Well, there, second door to your right.”

Rory nodded, taking a deep breath. She never used to get this nervous before things like this - she was so sure of herself back then. She couldn’t quite tell when she lost her confidence, but at some point in the last year, maybe even before then, a switch had flipped. She fixed her hair, Jess’s words the previous day lingering in her head.  _ Very Christiane Amanpour _ . She took a deep breath in, if Christiane could do it, why not her too. It was just an off-hand remark about her hair, but in that moment it motivated her forwards. She let it play on repeat until she reached the door.

********

Rory exited the meeting happy, if not a little confused. Columnist? In all the five, ten,, and twenty year plans she’d made over her lifetime, writing a column had never featured in one of them. She began to make a mental pros and cons list:

_ Pros: close enough to mom, in the city she’d always planned to end up in, a job. A paid writing job. _

_ Cons: Not exactly an overseas correspondent. _

She sighed, knowing she was in no place to complain. She had a job, doing something she loved, something she was good at. Still, there was always the chance of it not hitting off, she was aware of the risks of a column like this - she was essentially replaceable. She checked her phone, she’d told Lorelai she’d try to make it home tonight, but it was almost 7 already, and she hated driving hours in the dark. 

“Rory?” 

It was a voice she knew well. Too well, she’d argue on the bad days. On the good days, though, when she was feeling particularly accomplished, it melted her. She turned around, wincing as her mother’s shoes squeezed her foot. 

“Hey, Stranger.” She smiled. She and Logan had seen each other a few times since their break up two years earlier. Once when Paris had dragged her off to London (“Come  _ on, _ Gilmore, everyone knows going crazy across the pond with your best friend is a pivotal early 20s experience.” They had not, however, gone crazy.) and again at Colin’s wedding. The latter had been uncomfortable, given their circumstances, but they’d quickly pushed past the awkward stage and into an ex-lovers turned casual hookup grey area. Logan always was good at that. 

She leaned in to exchange casual kisses on the cheek. Rory felt very adult for the gesture, a perfect representation of the place their relationship was in these days. It wasn’t an arrangement she was particularly proud of, but it made her feel good. Confident, free, and, most importantly, grown up. Because, nearing twenty five, Rory Gilmore craved anything that made her feel like a real adult. She’d had such high expectations for adulthood, but she just felt like the same girl she’d always been. If anything, Rory in her twenties was merely a shell of her teenage self; bright blue eyes, glossy dark hair, but decidedly less passion. Somewhere along the road, the drive she was renowned for was replaced with a simmering desperation. A urge to live up to everyone’s expectations, Jess and Paris and Lane’s certainty she’d make it big, her own aspirations ( _ teenage pipedreams, as Rory had begun bitterly referring to them) _ , her mom’s pride. 

“So,” Rory began, shuffling uncomfortably in the ill-fitting heels, “What brings you to this neck of the woods?”

“You know me, Ace. Can’t stay in one place for too long,” His smile was dripping in coy confidence, “I’ve got reservations for this place down the street, what do you say to a quick catch up, hm?”

Rory was hesitant. She was always a big fan of subtext - to her, analysing it was one of the main appeals of a good novel - and the subtext here was crystal-clear. She was well aware of the implications of “catching up.” She remembered her promise to her mom, knowing full well she’d have to explain the intricacy of her and Logan’s relationship, knowing full well how Lorelai would react. But she wanted to feel good, wanted to celebrate her big win, and her feet were causing her so much agony. 

“Lead the way, good sir.” She joked, as they linked arms.  _ Damn her mother’s tiny feet. _

********

Rory awoke at 4am to the sound of her ringtone. She groaned, sinking into the king-size mattress, praying that whatever insane person had decided to call her in the middle of the night wasn’t persistent. About three calls later, she reached for her phone. It wasn’t like she could get back to sleep now anyways. She checked the caller ID: mom. Rory had expected as much, Lorelai was really the only person who wouldn’t think anything of a casual catch up at four in the morning. Finally remembering her surroundings, and what her mothers opinion of said surroundings would be, she gently peeled Logan’s arm away from her waist and tiptoed to the bathroom. 

“Mom, are you conscious of the time?” Rory said sluggishly, making herself comfortable on the bathroom floor. She knew how long the two of them could talk for. 

“Yep, 4:18am,” was Lorelai’s overly cheery (likely caffeine-infused) reply, “I know it’s late hon, but I was dying in anticipation. I can’t sleep until I know exactly what happened, spare no details please.”

“Well, I got a job, not the one I anticipated, but still a very good position,” Rory grinned, the more time that passed since the interview, the more her excitement grew, “I got my own column, actually.”

“Ooh, so you’re gonna be like Carrie Bradshaw?”

“Well, I wouldn’t put it  _ exactly _ like that but if Carrie developed a passion for literature and wrote about books from, and I quote ‘a millennial perspective’, I guess so?”

“Boo, no fair! I’m meant to be Carrie, I always saw you as more of a Charlotte,” Lorelai paused, mumbling something excitedly to someone Rory could only assume was either Luke or Paul Anka, probably the latter “But really, kid, I’m so proud of you. This job, it’s just so  _ you _ , all that book sniffing really did pay off.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Rory said, though she was distracted by the shuffling outside. She felt a pang of guilt for waking Logan up, but was more worried about what her mother would think about it. 

“Everything okay in there, Ace?” Rory had muted her phone too late, she could hear Lorelai’s skeptical hum down the line.

“Rory, is that who I think it is?” She could practically hear Lorelai’s eyes narrowing in curiosity as she spoke. Rory gestured to the phone, mouthing ‘mom’ as she closed the bathroom door apologetically. Logan seemed to understand. 

“That would depend on who you think it is.” Rory said. She didn’t know why she was so nervous to tell her mother about her and Logan. They were both consenting adults, none of her friend’s moms would even have an opinion on their casual hookups. Well, at least not one they expressed so openly. But this was different, her mom was her best friend. Her other friends couldn’t say that about their parents. 

“Erm, blonde, rich, looks a bit like a cat, name rhymes with Hogan Luntzberger?”

“A cat? Mom you’re insane.”

“And you, my dear spawn, are deflecting.”

“Okay, yes it's him, but I don’t know what the issue is.”  _ Wrong move, Gilmore, wrong move _ . Lorelai always had very strong opinions about her daughter’s boyfriends, and at the end of the day, Rory was grateful for it, knowing it only came from a place of protectiveness. Still, it did frustrate her that her mom compared all of them to the way Dean treated her at fifteen. Wasn’t  _ Rory  _ the one who was meant to put the first boyfriend on a pedestal?

“I don’t know if you suffered memory loss during your time in New York, but right now I’m thinking of a boy who embarrassed you at  _ your _ graduation party and expected you to ditch your dreams to live a life practical to him.”

Rory was exhausted, the adrenaline from the job offer wearing off, and snapped without meaning to, “Gees, mom, just cause Luke’s forcing you to be all chummy with Jess doesn’t mean you need to make another ex public enemy number one. I’m an adult, I know what I’m doing.”

Lorelai paused, contemplating this, “Okay, honey, you’re right. I’m sorry, I just want you to live your best life, no limitations, you know.”

Her apology didn’t sound entirely genuine, but Rory knew her mom better than anyone else, so she knew it was virtually impossible for her to ever change her mind. The best you could ask for was acceptance, and that was what Lorelai was trying to give her.

“I’m sorry too, Mom,” Rory calmed herself, “for snapping, I’m just tired, it’s nearing 5am if you forgot.”

“Alright, kid. Get some rest, I love you.”

“Love you, too.” Rory yawned, “I’m stopping by Grandma and Grandpa’s on my way home, Grandpa’s sorting out an issue with my car insurance, but I’ll get the bus back so I can see you as much as possible before I move to New York permanently.”

“Sounds perfect hon, night.” Lorelai sounded dreary now too, stifling a yawn as she hung up.

Rory curled up in bed next to Logan, contemplating her mom’s words. She’d been worried about him limiting her options, but Rory felt this was far from the truth. If anything, she found comfort in how detached her thing with Logan was from either of their lives. They’d bump into each other, more often than not randomly, and spend a night together, never to be mentioned again. For lack of a better analogy, what happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas. Teenage Rory was known to be a serial monogamist, adult Rory was meant to be different, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if Logan was slightly ooc, I've never written him before, and I'm not sure if I have any intention to again after I've finished this story! I hope you enjoyed it anyways, and I'd really appreciate any feedback if you have any. <33


End file.
